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Would You Reply?

80s Forum: Would You Reply?
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  1. #1
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    Unhappy Would You Reply?

    When I was in college, I met this guy named Brian who I became totally smitten with. We were great friends but he failed to tell me one thing, he was gay. No, this is NOT a post about whether it's right or wrong or anything of the sort, I just wanted to give you some background. Anyway, I was devastated becuz I come from a VERY small town and this was the thing that was only talked about in the big city. lol. I was pissed cuz we were friends, practically best friends for a year and he never told me.

    Instead of ditching him, I remained friends with him and we had the best relationship. I learned so much from him and enjoyed his company, loved everything about him. He came from a big city in another state and absolutely hated where he was in MN, he was scared for his life cuz if anyone found out, they'd probably beat him (the town was your typical redneck town) so for that, I could understand. Once we graduated, he moved back to WI and we continued to stay in touch. I used to drive the 6 hours to see him all the time. Of course, we couldn't go to straight bars so I felt really out of place but went becuz he was my friend. I never complained. What pissed me off was that he REFUSED to come to see me, no matter where I lived. Said he hated MN even tho I was two hours away from the town we lived in during college. It just made me so mad and sad at the same time. I never felt good enough.

    We had our issues as many friends do but the real ball-buster was after how he went on and on about how he hated MN, I found out that he drove up here for a friggin' GUY he met at Pride Fest one weekend when I happened to be gone (he didn't know that but yet he never called me). He would NEVER come here to see me but to get laid, he drove 6 hours. I was beyond irate. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't take it any longer. Things with us had been slowly changing, he would call me up to tell me about his drunken orgies on the nude beach and just stuff I didn't need to hear about. I'm a very modest person and this was nothing I wanted to know about. I haven't figured out if it was ME who changed or him cuz he never used to be that way. Finding out that he came here and didn't call me is what pretty much ended our friendship as bad as that sounds (there was more stuff brewing but this was the straw that broke the camels back). He started throwing rocks at me by ripping apart my upbringing and religion among how my parents raised me. It got ugly and I just had enough.

    We stopped talking about 6 years ago or so. He tried to reach out to me one time and I responded saying I'd like to try to work things out but he never tried to call or email. I even sent him a xmas card in case my email didn't get to him with my new # and said, 'well, if you still want to work this out, here's my # and if I dont' hear from you, I will have my answer.' I never heard from him.

    Today, I came home to an email from him. It was a group email (I HATE those) saying he was moving to Alaska and that he knows we will all miss him, blah blah blah but he never made any indication to anyone in particular, just the usual I'm moving, here's my email etc. I just can't figure out WHY he added me to the list.

    Does he want me to respond?
    Did he accidentally put my email on there (and if so, why has he had it this long and never used it?)?
    Is he only doing this to rub it in my face?

    Sometimes when I do stuff that is great, I want all the people I hate to know about it so I wonder if that's why HE did it.

    I guess my question is, do I respond or do I pretend I never saw it and hope he gets eaten by a moose?

    I have a TON of good memories with Brian, I loved that man like my brother. I just think back to all the stuff I have went through that he missed out on and stuff like that. He hurt me with things he did and said to me. I'm not perfect but I accepted him when I could have easily told him to fluck off. I don't know if I want to reconnect with him (altho I'm super jeal he's moving to AK but he never knew I wanted to) or not but ever since I got this email, it's been really bugging me.

    So, what would you do? I guess I can understand that getting laid was more important than seeing your friend you haven't seen in years (I know many peeps who would agree...lol) but I just don't know what to do or how I should feel. Things bother me so easily and I know that I will go to bed tonight and hash this over. I hate letting things like this get the best of me.
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  2. #2
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    Re: Would You Reply?

    I hate to say it, but I think he just sent out a random group email and your address just happened to be in there. You've already told him you want to talk and work things out. He's had his opportunity to contact you and hasn't done so, so I think that's your answer right there. If he was a true friend, he wouldn't have said hurtful things about your parents, religion, upbringing, etc. anyway. I think you've done all you can and should do. Since this was a group email message, I wouldn't take it as a cue to contact him. If he really wanted to talk to you, he would contact you personally, not hint at it in a group message. JMO.

    As far as not knowing what you're supposed to feel, you can only feel what you feel. It's okay to be sad or mad or whatever you want, but there comes a time when you have to accept that the other person is being a jerk and just let them go. Ending a friendship is a lot like breaking up. If the other person isn't invested in the friendship, why should you spend so much energy trying to keep it together? Maybe one day he'll realize what he's missing, but until then I don't think there's a whole lot more you can do.
    Last edited by PunkyPower; 8-04-04 at 12:15 AM.

  3. #3
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    Re: Would You Reply?

    what do you hvae to lose if you repond back with a quick e-mail. a lot has changed over 6 years.Your minds is already questioning if you should or shouldn't.How will you feel if you don't e-mail him back ,and never hear from him again
    Last edited by Caligula; 8-04-04 at 05:27 AM.
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  4. #4
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    Re: Would You Reply?

    I say, ignore the email. If this was a reach out to you he would have sent a note directly to you.
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  5. #5
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    Re: Would You Reply?

    I agree with Cal. Send a quick e-mail. You don't talk to him now..you have nothing to lose. You never know, he may contact you. If he don't.. oohh well. Least you tried and won't always be wondering if you should have sent a reply.

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  6. #6
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    Re: Would You Reply?

    Reply to his email. Ask him questions like why he's moving, what he's been up to, etc...that way the ball is left in his court. If he responds, awesome...if he doesn't then that's his loss.

  7. #7
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    Re: Would You Reply?

    Reply...like they said, if you don't, you might always wonder "What if....?"
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  8. #8
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    Re: Would You Reply?

    Quote Originally Posted by PG
    Reply to his email. Ask him questions like why he's moving, what he's been up to, etc...that way the ball is left in his court. If he responds, awesome...if he doesn't then that's his loss.
    He's had the ball in his court for 6 years already. I don't know, I guess I'm the kind of person who gets sick of the kind of stuff Jilly described - she's been a friend to him, tried patching things up with him and he ignored her for 6 years and now once again she's supposed to go out of her way to make the effort in the relationship? I've had this happen to me before and I ditched that "friend" years ago. He's had 6 years to do it and she's the one who made contact last. If this guy really wanted to be her friend, why couldn't HE get some balls and contact her personally?

    Sorry Jilly, don't mean to trash talk this guy I don't know, but I've been through this. It's been 6 years since you last spoke, you sent him a card with your phone # saying you'd like to talk if he wants to and he never called or emailed in those 6 years. I think that's your answer right there.

    I have a friend who weeded out his group of friends. He got tired of always being the one to make the plans, ask them how they're doing, call them, etc. and some people never did the same in return. He just stopped contacting them for awhile and if he didn't hear from them, he stopped talking to them altogether. It takes 2 people to be in a friendship relationship. If you're the one who's always being the friend while the other person ignores you and treats you poorly, you have to wonder if your efforts are really worth it.

  9. #9
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    Re: Would You Reply?

    I know from experience that people do change.

    Jill, whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck

  10. #10
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    Re: Would You Reply?

    Yikes, Jilly. My initial response would be ...pretend you never saw it and hope he gets eaten by a moose. He seems be caught up in his own little world ("free at last", it looks like). But I can tell from your post that you were quite emotionally involved with this person. Maybe you should send him a short little email wishing him luck and leave it at that. I wouldn't offer friendship or even EXPECT it... he's disappointed you in the past. People CAN change, I truly believe that, but not always in the ways that WE want them to.

    I'm sorry this has hurt you. I wish you the best in coming to terms with it.

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  11. #11
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    Re: Would You Reply?

    I would reply, just a general "Hello" and "Good Luck". If you get something back from him and wish to continue a dialogue, you MUST tell him how you feel. You have to tell him just like you told it to us here. You put it all out very well--you made us understand how this hurt you, and we felt it.

    If he isn't willing to listen to you and try to understand how hurt you are, then I would say he is too selfish to continue a good relationship with you at this time and you should cut it off for your own good.

    If you do this, one of two things will result--he will see what he did, and you can heal your relationship. Or, he will not see what he did and you will cut it off. Either way, you will know in your heart that you did everything you could to save the relationship and that will put you at peace.

    You deserve to be treated with respect, especially from those you love. I know that there is no doubt that there is some pain and anger in his past that he has to deal with but that doesn't give him license to treat you or anyone else like crap--we all have issues.

    Good luck, sweetie, and I am really hoping for the best for YOU, whatever that may be
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  12. #12
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    Re: Would You Reply?

    Looks like you got a variety of good advice here. It's hard to say unless you're in the situation yourself so I will give you the best I can from what I know. I've had freinds come & go over the years. Some I've reconnected with & later on said to myself, why did I bother, it's the same old situation, nothing has changed. But there are some I have lost touch with & would love to be in touch with to see how their doing. I would say if he means that much to you it wouldn't hurt to write him back. Time has passed, life gets busy so maybe he just sent it to all his old friends to let them know he's still alive & well. Worst case scenario he won't write back or he will & you'll realize it wasn't worth it. Best case scenario he writes back & you'll both be happy to be in touch. Good luck to you in whatever you decide, I'm sure it will be the best choice

  13. #13
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    Re: Would You Reply?

    Quote Originally Posted by PG
    I know from experience that people do change.
    PG is right.

    Hon, let me tell you from past experience this year, you should shoot him back a quick email. I am looking at it from his side, and maybe he added you in that list on purpose, because he is hoping that you will respond.

    The exact thing happened to me in July. I sent out 4th of July ecards to everyone I am friends with, and I slipped one in there to a good friend that I had thought I had lost. I said some stupid things to him, and we just cut each other off. After I sent the card, and opened the gates, we talked it out, and we are back, better than ever. The past is just that, the past. Maybe he really really wants to make amends, and this is the only way he was brave enough to try.

    Good luck to you, hon! Do let us know what happens!

  14. #14
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    Re: Would You Reply?

    Awww, thanks so much everyone! I love you guys!

    I have tossed the idea around of just sending "Good luck!" and that is it to kind of throw him for a loop, wondering if he should write me back or what (kind of like what he is doing to ME...lol). If I do decide to respond, that is all I will be saying cuz like Kimmy said, I shouldn't expect f-ship. I hate that flucker for what he did to me but like the girls said, people CAN change.

    Papergirl, you're absolutely correct, people can change. It happened with my best friend, we stopped talking for 3 years and even tho I'm still hurt by what she did, I put it out of my mind and we are now back to being best friends and I love it, I just try not to think about what she did and I'm okay. I just don't know if I can or could do that with Brian.

    My mom always told me that sometimes people are in your life for a short time and everyone you meet teaches you a little something. Brian taught me a lot. I had never been exposed to the gay lifestyle and I am grateful that I had the chance but aside from that, I don't know what to think. I wouldn't even know what to say if we did start talking.

    Punky, you took the words right out of my mouth. No need to apologize for bashing him at all! It's one thing to be pissed at me and say mean things but to bring my parents and religion into it, now that is another!!! (PS, couldn't give you any rep for your 2nd comment...lmao about the balls!)

    Brandy, I tried telling him how I felt a million times after that (similar to what I said here) but he wasn't having any of it. I'm not perfect and I know I could have handled things differently but when you're hurt, you let your emotions get the best of you sometimes.

    Kimmy, 'free at last' is right. His email sounded like he had to make some tough decisions in his life and I really wonder what made him pack everything up and move alone. I'm sure I have missed many things in his life as well but I do secretly wish he gets eaten by a moose, or at least bitten hard. It probably is for the best that I don't ever talk to him again cuz I had finally gotten over the hurt and then this shit happens again and opens it all up.

    Princess, you're probably right, even if he doesn't respond, it's not like I should be surprised since I sent the card and I KNOW he got it. Maybe his life isnt' doing so great and he will jump at the chance to talk to me... or he will just ignore it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, I guess.

    PG, I thought about asking those questions as well cuz well, I'm nosey!!! If I do respond, it will just be 'good luck' or 'have a safe trip' and leave it at that. I don't want to make it look that I'm TOO interested yet (even tho I'm DYING to know! lol)

    TC, exactly... it's not like I talk to him now anyway. I could just send it, delete his original and try to forget about it. If he responds, it will be a surprise! Now, I just have to talk myself into it!

    Blackdragon, you don't know how tempted I am to do that!!!! I was surprised, hurt and pissed all at the same time when I got that email!

    Cal, I've asked myself that question a million times. I was so hurt when he never called after I sent that card so that is what is holding me back from replying, regardless of what I say. I guess I hope I get rich and famous (lol) so he can feel like shit for what he did to me... selfish, I know but I'm sure we all do that at one time or another! lol

    So, now what? lol! Why does this have to be so hard? Why did he pick NOW to contact me? I've done so good at not thinking about him! Argh.
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  15. #15
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    Re: Would You Reply?

    UPDATE: I couldn't figure out how to write update in my original thread so just added a new post.

    Oh wow, I am surprised to find this thread still here. I wanted to give you an update.

    I never DID respond to this email. I guess I was too hurt about what happened and the fact he put me on a stupid group email instead of trying that address on it's own. I saved the email and I still have it and read it occasionally.

    A year or two ago, I found Brian's old bf from college. Scott and I were GREAT friends when they were dating, we talked on the phone and everything. One of my college art projects was to do a portrait so Brian gave me a picture of Scott when he was in the Navy and wanted me to draw him as a gift so I did. Well, they broke up before I could show him the picture. They had a nasty breakup so I never contacted him again.

    Well, snoopy me found Scott on MySpace so emailed him. The only thing I said about Brian was that I used to be friends with him. I didn't say anything about how I wanted to contact Brian because I didn't. Scott emailed me back saying I should look for him in Alaska but he totally remembered me and hoped we could talk again. I wrote him back as I didn't want him to think that was the reason I was contacting him. I didn't care about Brian, I wanted to show Scott the picture I drew of him. I never did hear back from Scott.

    I would still google him from time to time cuz a girl gets nosy but didn't find much of anything except listings in Anchorage and how I wanted to ask one of my friends who lives there to go snoop on him for me. lol

    Last week or so ago, I did another search for him and found his Facebook profile. Yep, he's still in Anchorage and he looks SO OLD. I told my best friend Kris about him and she's like I'm going to add him cuz she wanted to see what would happen (she knew Brian through me and has a bunch of pictures of us all together) or if he'd try to ask about me. I told her not to as she has pictures of me on there and I don't want him to see them. She said she'd do whatever I wanted so we just left it at that.

    I still think about him. I have so many fond memories of him. So much of the things I like today were because of him but then I think of the hurt so I never did anything with it. My profile is private and no one can find me on FB or MS unless I add them first. Part of me wished I could be visible just to see what he'd do but I just can't do it.

    Anyway, please give yourself a cookie if you've made it this far. Julia Child!

    So, today I get an email from Classmates.com. Awhile back, I signed up for a free trial and forgot to cancel it before it was over so ended up paying for a full year. *doh* The email said that I had a message from someone and I thought it was an old one as my best friend from grade school found me on there. So, I click on the link and here I find an email from Brian. I couldn't believe it.

    Wow.. I hope you check messages here. After making many attempts to find you again over the years, I Google you and find you here.. and planetjillybean? How cool!

    Much has happened in the past 13 years, I thought it would be great to catch up! You can email me at xxxxxxx@gmail.com or call my cell at xxxxxx.

    Hope to hear from you!

    -Brian
    HOW DO I RESPOND TO THIS? I'm so nervous. Part of me is so happy he found me but the other part of me wants to tell him to GFY. I am worried that if I DO email him, I will never get the apology I deserve. The other part of me is like life is too short! And yet the OTHER part of me realizes I'm at a point in my life where I am about as low as I can be. I certainly don't want to be like, yeah, I just lost my job and have to sell my house.

    My friends say I don't need to tell him anything but I know I can't NOT say anything. I am ashamed of myself (I know, I shouldn't be) and I certainly don't feel that this is the right time to reconnect.

    So, yeah, here I am 5 years later with the same questions. I know that IF I contact him, I don't have to tell him anything major about my life (I recently lost my job due to budget cuts/low man on the totem pole and there are no jobs here so have to sell my house so I can move where there ARE jobs, it's all very devastating for me) and I shouldn't treat him like we are still BFF. Treat him like he's someone brand new and build that trust.

    If I DON'T talk to him, I will never get an apology anyway but I don't want to hear about how great HIS life is when mine isn't.

    I know that he paid for his subscription for Classmates as you can't email if you don't pay for it so that makes me feel better, it also sounds like he has been looking for me. But his email didn't say anything really major.

    I don't know. Thoughts?
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  16. #16
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    Re: Would You Reply?

    If you reply, you need to know you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt, and you need to prepare for that. I am not saying that people don't change, but...even though he is older, it doesn't mean he's wiser.

    I know that a conclusion to this would make you feel better. Although handling sensitive things is always ideal when it can be face to face, this is NOT an ideal world, and that is not an ideal situation.

    My gut feeling is that he still has no idea how hurt you have been because of him. He is not "aware" enough to know that, and you have not been able to tell him how you feel.

    If you are going to reply, and you are prepared for what might happen, spell it out for him. Tell him HOW he hurt you, WHY it hurt, WHAT you have been going through in your mind in trying to formulate what to do, etc. Be VERY SPECIFIC. Give examples.

    This does not sound like someone who can read between the lines, or pick up on your hurt. You will have to be polite but straightforward. I know you want a conclusion, and you may have to be the one who concludes it.

    My take: either he bucks up, admits what he did wrong, fully apologizes for the hurt he perpetrated and makes amends, or YOU call it quits. If you don't get EXACTLY what you need in order to settle this from him the FIRST TIME he emails back, then you need to be DONE. If he doesn't email back, he isn't mature enough to be anything to you at all.

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  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by jillybean
    I am ashamed of myself
    You shouldnt be sweetie,he abandoned you!!

    Maybe he feels bad and wants to make it up,maybe he feels bad about the way he hurt you and doesnt know what to do!!

    What is his sign?? What is yours??

    I would call him @ least and say hello (I dont think it will hurt)

    Thank you for updating this,good luck sweetie!

  18. #18
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    Re: Would You Reply?

    EDIT: I didn't read the whole thread. I thought Dude had brought back an old thread. My bad.
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  19. #19
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    Re: Would You Reply?

    Dude, the reason I am ashamed of how things are is because of what is going on my life right now, NOT because we lost touch.

    Brandy, do you really think I'm setting myself up by emailing him back? I don't know if he has changed or not, I don't really know what to think. I would like closure but part of me still thinks that this might be opening up an old wound but what if it's not? What if we can re-kindle our fship. I really DO miss him but then I want to kick him in the ball sack for what a prick he was.

    I am the grudge queen, I will say that right now. Once you cross me, it's really hard for me to get past it unless you apologize. It's tough.
    Never seen without a tube of lip gloss

  20. #20
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    Re: Would You Reply?

    Quote Originally Posted by jillybean View Post
    .
    Brandy, do you really think I'm setting myself up by emailing him back? I don't know if he has changed or not, I don't really know what to think. I would like closure but part of me still thinks that this might be opening up an old wound but what if it's not? What if we can re-kindle our fship. I really DO miss him but then I want to kick him in the ball sack for what a prick he was.
    I am the grudge queen, I will say that right now. Once you cross me, it's really hard for me to get past it unless you apologize. It's tough.

    This isn't the same as a grudge, hon. This is self-preservation.

    When I started to feel better about myself, I began to take a lot more responsibility in how I am treated by other people. Sometimes, when someone hurts you, it is your own fault for letting them in.

    He doesn't sound at all contrite. He didn't write "I feel really awful that we lost touch. I really want to know if you are okay. I need to know if I did anything that I need to make right by you, or if it was just that we fell out of touch" and so on. I really, really don't see anything but another fair weather passing in this one.

    An example I can give you? Today is my biological brother's birthday, but after all that he put me through, after as many times as I let him back in only to be abused by him and treated like dirt...the only brother I believe that I have now is Retro. I miss my bio-brother, yes but PAST BEHAVIOR IS A GOOD INDICATOR OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR.

    I am not saying that people cannot change, but I am saying that I see no sign of it here. I think you will be hurt, simple as that.
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