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Not really sure how to ask this...

80s Forum: Not really sure how to ask this...
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  1. #1
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    Not really sure how to ask this...

    ...without sounding too melodramatic, but how do you tell someone that you don't love them anymore? In this case it's my wife of 14 years. I may never tell her as I dread hurting her feelings and I have no idea how she'll react. No, there's no other woman and I don't drink, take drugs, etc.

    I don't know if she can tell that my feelings have changed, as I try to be the way I 've always been. She's a good person at heart and doesn't deserve this, so I may just stick it out. I suppose if we ever separated I'd stay out of relationships for quite a while.

    Anyway, just sounding off/venting, I suppose. I realize that in the end it's all in my court.

  2. #2
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    Re: Not really sure how to ask this...

    First of all, you need to figure out why you are questioning your love for her. Was it a certain incident? Or is it something that has developed over the years? Is this something that can be worked out through counselling?

    The most important thing you can do is tell her how you feel. Voice your concerns & BE HONEST with her. To hide behind a curtain of feelings is the worse thing you can do in a relationship. Maybe by talking to her and explaining why you feel the way you do will open up a door to your relationship that you never thought existed.

    Good luck to you both.

  3. #3
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    Re: Not really sure how to ask this...

    Thanks, PG. I'm 45 years old, just so you can get a frame of reference (no youngster am I).

    I love my stepdaughter and her children, but I can't imagine that our relationship would be the same if I separated from her mother. Or maybe it would. I don't know.

  4. #4
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    Re: Not really sure how to ask this...

    Sorry to hear you have come to an awful place in life. From what you said, I get the impression that you still love your wife, you just are not IN LOVE with her anymore.

    I must agree with PG... You really do need to BE HONEST with your wife. With counseling, if you are both willing to take a stab at it, you may find something to rekindle your relationship and you may fall back IN LOVE with her. Maybe you just need to seperate for a while, and go on 'dates' to try and find that special magic you once had. Just remember that you loved this woman enough to marry her, so love is surely in the picture.

    As far as the children go, if the worst happens, and you leave your wife for good, you must prepare yourself for the fact that they may turn their backs on you as a show of support to their mother. However, in time, if you have a good relationship with them, you may be able to mend those relationships as well.

    Just let me tell you that I understand where you are coming from. When I seperated from my husband I still loved him, but was no longer in love with him. It was one of the hardest things I have had to decide and do in my life. Time heals all wounds, and him and I are still very good friends and keep in touch. We both still care about each other and still love each other in the way good friends do. It was the best thing for both of us. Take it from one who has been there, there is nothing worse than waking up each day next to a person you are no longer in love with, and trying to act like that person is still the light of your life.

    I wish you and your wife the best. Things have a way of working out for the best, we just don't know how they will work out at times. Please keep us posted....
    May your day be touched by a bit of Irish luck, brightened by a song in your heart, and warmed by the smiles of people you love!


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  5. #5
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    Re: Not really sure how to ask this...

    You do need to be honest, without being brutal, even though this is kind of a brutal subject to deal with.

    RUN, do not walk, to counseling. If she won't go, then you go yourself. This might be just a cooling of feelings that can happen over time, and you may need some help figuring out why you had fallen in love in the first place.

    There are stressors that we deal with in life--financial problems, jobs that we hate, major illnesses, family issues, etc., that over time can drain us mentally and emotionally. With all that we deal with in our lives, sometimes we forget along the way to take care of ourselves and our relationships.

    Fourteen years is a good run, and it would be a shame just to let it fade away without giving it the old college try. You know in your heart that you want to attempt a repair of this relationship or you never would have mentioned it, you would have just walked away from it.

    It takes work to keep that fire burning--I have been married for 14 years myself, and I know that there are ups and downs in there. You just might be in a repairable "down" right now.

    Good luck to you We are here for you, and you can PM if you would like to talk.
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  6. #6
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    Re: Not really sure how to ask this...

    Sarge, first off, my deepest, DEEPEST sympathies go to you for having to make this tough decision. I was going to PM you, but you do not seem to have that ability here, so email me realdealmbp@yahoo.com I have gone through this very thing and can shed some light on some things for you.

  7. #7
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    Re: Not really sure how to ask this...

    Speaking from personal experience the sooner you get to talking the better off you will be. This is what destroyed my last marriage total lack of communication. We did not talk about anything that had to do with our feelings. To this day I don't know what happened or where we went wrong. The nights got longer and the words got fewer. This eventually led to much worse things. We started constantly fighting on a daily basis. Don't let this happen to you. Don't be ashamed to talk about it what ever the out come may be your better off sooner than later.

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  8. #8
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    Re: Not really sure how to ask this...

    Hey sarge...everyone here has awesome advice.

    It is very important that you do discuss this asap so that you both can move on and find true love. Of course you know to discuss this with the kids away from the house. Have then stay the weekend at a friends or relative.

    I respect Brandy's advice for counseling but I think( IMO ) that counselor's , for the most part, go by the book. ONLY you know what is in your heart. If you want out..get out. Why stay in a marriage if you are not happy? You only deny her , her kids and you real happiness.

    E-mail Jasper! He gives good advice and he is straight forward.

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  9. #9
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    Re: Not really sure how to ask this...

    I just wanna say that counselling helped my marriage ALOT. We went through 3 different therapists until we found the one that worked for us. And now, our relationship and our friendship is the best its ever been.

  10. #10
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    Re: Not really sure how to ask this...

    You brought up a good point, PG. I think a lot of people give up after they find that a therapist isn't working out for them. They aren't all alike.

    Good luck to you sarge.

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  11. #11
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    Re: Not really sure how to ask this...

    Quote Originally Posted by KimJoy69
    You brought up a good point, PG. I think a lot of people give up after they find that a therapist isn't working out for them. They aren't all alike.
    Good luck to you sarge.
    Absolutely. I wouldn't be alive right now if I had given up on finding a counselor who worked for me. Sometimes it takes a couple of tries, like anything that is worthwhile in life.

    I'm not saying to beat a dead horse, either. I would try out probably five or six (I went through more than that and I found that I was doing well with a combination of them who were working together). After fourteen years, you want to be super-sure that you have done EVERYTHING that you possibly can to try to save your marriage. Then if the worst does happen, you will know without a doubt that at least YOU did all that you could to make sure that it worked.

    I will say this, though: If there is a lot of fighting going on in the house, it's best that after the holiday, you find yourselves in separate living situations until you can work out what will happen, one way or another. Staying together for the sake of the children is actually counterproductive because you do them more harm than good. Kids know what is going on, so they will need some help too. They will need a safe place to talk about anything they want to talk about without having to worry about what they say.

    If you choose to stay in the same household, watch for any changes in your children, whether you are fighting or not.
    ~~X~~~~X~~
    Nunc scio quid sit amor
    ****************************************

    ~~Resident Urban Cougar-Boo~~
    Joe Elliot, Charlie Hunnam, Wentworth Miller, Kip Winger,Travis Fimmel, Tim McGraw Jon Bon Jovi and Billy Wirth walk into a bar...
    did I forget anyone, girls?

    SIT DOWN, BUCKLE IN, HANG ON, SHUT UP
    I will find my inner child and kick his little ass
    Don't piss me off. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies
    |PLAY >|STOP| <<RWD|FFWD>>|RCD|II|STFU!!!|
    You are starting to make sense. Time to up my medications!
    Spay or neuter your animals if you truly love them

    We have enough youth--what we need is a fountain of SMART!
    AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE RESOURCE OF UNTAPPED ANGER, now in fashionable PINK
    DO NOT LEAVE ME UNSUPERVISED. If you do, DO NOT LEAVE WITNESSES
    Even BAD kitties get NINE LIVES
    MOMMMMMM...Retro's throwing wombats at me again...
    It's okay dear, they're COMBAT wombats!
    stand there, say nothing...thaaaatttt'ssss better
    80sxchange bad girls club
    trying to catch the deluge in a paper cup
    I can count to potato! I has a SNEAKY...
    Raging bitchkitty
    scared of my own shadow but not afraid of you
    ab astra

  12. #12
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    Re: Not really sure how to ask this...

    Many thanks to all for your kind words and indulgence.

    Someone asked what brought this on after 14 years of marriage. Well, my wife is a walking financial disaster who insists on doing things (even major things) without discussing it with me.She's the house financial manager. After wrecked bank accounts and credit ratings I guess my patience has expired. Whose fault is all this? Mine, and I accept that.

    I spent 20 years in the military so I'm familiar with being forceful and insisting that the right thing be done. But when it comes to marriage I guess I'm the "Yes, Dear" type. I really go to lengths to avoid fights and arguments because I like peace and harmony in the house. Even if I insist on something that I think is beneficial (like maintaing a bank account for household emergencies) I'm ignored. That, and various other things have destroyed my trust and feelings for her. I won't go into detail, but they were quite upsetting.

    I'm fairly certain that many fellows would simply have walked years ago if things hadn't improved after a time. I've thought about it but can't quite bring myself to do it. I don't know if she could make it financially on her own, unless she moved in with her daughter or something to that effect.

    I suppose if you take a step back and look at things, there are marriages in a lot worse shape than mine. And other things to worry about in life such as health, job, children, etc. I do miss being in love with a woman and you could probably file that under "not absolutely necessary", but nice to have. If another woman entered the picture that was pleasant, responsible, and generally a sweetheart I still don't know if I could separate. I guess I'm of the opinion that leaving your wife for another woman is simply wrong, no matter the circumstances. How could I do that and not feel horrible?

    Well, enough of my blabbering on this topic. Again, thanks to everyone for their responses and I do appreciate it.

  13. #13
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    Re: Not really sure how to ask this...

    Quote Originally Posted by sarge
    Many thanks to all for your kind words and indulgence.
    Someone asked what brought this on after 14 years of marriage. Well, my wife is a walking financial disaster who insists on doing things (even major things) without discussing it with me.She's the house financial manager. After wrecked bank accounts and credit ratings I guess my patience has expired. Whose fault is all this? Mine, and I accept that.
    I spent 20 years in the military so I'm familiar with being forceful and insisting that the right thing be done. But when it comes to marriage I guess I'm the "Yes, Dear" type. I really go to lengths to avoid fights and arguments because I like peace and harmony in the house. Even if I insist on something that I think is beneficial (like maintaing a bank account for household emergencies) I'm ignored. That, and various other things have destroyed my trust and feelings for her. I won't go into detail, but they were quite upsetting.
    I'm fairly certain that many fellows would simply have walked years ago if things hadn't improved after a time. I've thought about it but can't quite bring myself to do it. I don't know if she could make it financially on her own, unless she moved in with her daughter or something to that effect.
    I suppose if you take a step back and look at things, there are marriages in a lot worse shape than mine. And other things to worry about in life such as health, job, children, etc. I do miss being in love with a woman and you could probably file that under "not absolutely necessary", but nice to have. If another woman entered the picture that was pleasant, responsible, and generally a sweetheart I still don't know if I could separate. I guess I'm of the opinion that leaving your wife for another woman is simply wrong, no matter the circumstances. How could I do that and not feel horrible?
    Well, enough of my blabbering on this topic. Again, thanks to everyone for their responses and I do appreciate it.
    I understand. I've been in your shoes. My ex husband turned into a financial disaster too. He spent money like crazy, without my consent, and then he had the nerve to ask me for more. He spent well over $100,000 in a few months. He used to be good with money, but he changed as he got older. I think he is trying to buy happiness and self esteem. He slowly started to get issues with depression and alcohol, like many of his family members.

    I think you should talk to your wife. I was honest with my ex husband. I wanted to go to counselling with him, but he didn't want to go. I told him I didn't love him anymore and I said I didn't know if I could ever get those feelings back. Since he made no attempt to improve the situation I left him. I didn't leave him for someone else and I didn't date until almost a year later. I'm still single. It's good to spend time on your own after being with someone for so long. I was only married for 7yrs, but I was with my ex for 13yrs. I am busy with other important priorities in my life. When I have free time I have fun with friends/family and I have travelled a bit too. We don't have kids, so that makes it easier for me. One thing I have learned about being single....there are alot of jerks out there . oh well, at least most of them show their true colours in the beginning so I don't waste any valuable free time on them.

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