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Trying to remain ladylike dealing with a bigot...

80s Forum: Trying to remain ladylike dealing with a bigot...
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  1. #1
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    Trying to remain ladylike dealing with a bigot...

    I have really tried to overcome the way I was brought up. I was brought up to hate people of alternative lifestyles, of different religions, of different skin colors and so on.

    I have acquaintances of all different kinds and I try to respect all that.

    I spent today dealing with a huge bigot. Let's just say, I am sometimes glad I have no real family of my own, but as long as I remain married, I am stuck with this.

    I feel drained and angry and tired.

    Ya'll, I don't know what to do more than I have done. I can't change anyone else, I can't avoid this "family obligation" even thought it's not MY family...

    This is one of those times I would love to just start driving and keep going until the gas runs out and not look back.

    Do you have bigots you deal with regularly? I'm trying to keep positive in my life and these people are INFURIATING. It's like they don't realize or care that they are insulting people I sometimes enjoy.
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  2. #2
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    Re: Trying to remain ladylike dealing with a bigot...

    Both my paternal grandfather and father were bigots, even though both denied it. I loved both of them to death, except when they said certain things. I would get so upset whenever my dad said the "n" word I even got into a fight with him.
    I don't know what to say, Dawn.
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  3. #3
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    Re: Trying to remain ladylike dealing with a bigot...

    Bigots are all around us, some just more sever then others. Unfortunately for you Brandy you got one that is more severe and in the family. I would say somehting but be polite about it. Or you could get a little comment in now and then that will get your views across without starting a family war.

    I have bigots at work. I just ignore them or make a little comment that most of the time goes over their heads.

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  4. #4
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    Re: Trying to remain ladylike dealing with a bigot...

    If you mean people that actually hate, ie wishing harm or inflicting harm on a minority than no. If you mean someone that makes racist jokes or makes derogatory remarks away from minorities than I have lots. If you mean someone that believes certain stereotypes or is afraid of groups through pure ignorance or experience than yes.

    If you want to know, I grew up in an all white rural community, from grades 0-4, I had one 1/2 black kid in the school. Then from grade 5-12 they shipped us off to different schools that were 1/2 black 1/2 white.

    For the most part the Blacks and whites never assimilated, there has always been problems, riots, brawls etc that made the National News in 83, 87 again in the 90's and a few years ago. High School wasn't too bad, as a lot of people never made it to High School, Junior High was war zone, a lt of kids wouldn't even venture outside at lunch time, and gangs on both sides soon formed as it was obvious that you were safer for power in numbers. And this sounds really bad, but White girls had it really bad, 2 ways 1) by getting groped by junior high guys, harassed , and 2nd ) then having the girls mad and beating them up.

    To this day, I still know a lot of nice middle class women I went ot school with that would not hurt a fly or ever do anything wrong, yet still hold grudges and memmories of our junior high years.

    Does this mean I'm racist, no, I figure a lot of behaviors were due to social- economic class, We were probably looked at as smart spoiled rich kids etc, As kids we had been warned about what we were to face in junior high (probably exagerrated) so we probably already negative or leary , not too friendly ourselves.

    I did notice at my High School Reunion, of 180 people who graduated, not one black person showed up for the reunion, wonder if they were even invited or if they just feel the same way and hold their own graduation party .
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  5. #5
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    Re: Trying to remain ladylike dealing with a bigot...

    To keep a VERY long story as short as I can...

    Larry has the family he grew up with, and we discovered his OTHER family a little more than two years ago. I like the family we just discovered.

    The ones he grew up with are cold, nasty, selfish, throat-cutting jerks, for the most part. Not ALL of them, but most. If for any reason Larry and I aren't together anymore, there ain't NO way I'm keeping in touch with these people.

    The head of the bunch would be his mother. She is insulting to servers in restaurants. I will say it has gotten better since I quit biting my tongue and actually made her feel bad about it in front of everyone at the table. She is constantly making comments about the sexuality of the male servers. I know it's off limits to talk about so without going there -- I have don't care who prefers to have sex with whom. Life is too short to give a rat's ass about such minutia. She at least no longer calls people "n----r", "g--k", "f---got" and such in public -- again, because I said something.

    It's little digs and nastiness, not caring where we are to talk about stuff that I have told her repeatedly that I don't wish to talk about, not respecting how I feel about these things. The rest of the family is just as bad but we see her more often because she is elderly and THANK HIGHER BEING she doesn't drive.

    She dominates the conversation from the minute you walk in until you leave. She kept saying "Are you okay?" and "Why are you so quiet?" like she does time after time.

    It is because I am sick of it.

    He visits out of a sense of obligation and in truth, because she is elderly I go to check on her welfare, too.

    They started right out treating me badly and over time a lot of that stuff has worn off, but I still don't like these people.

    I have spoken up all that I can and I am getting nowhere. HE has said something from time to time.

    When I go, I spend the whole time just putting effort into remaining civil.

    I don't have family, and I honestly don't understand family loyalty. I really don't. He does, and I have to respect that. However, coping with this is getting to be a chore that, on top of what I am coping with right now...don't be surprised if you hear the explosion wherever you are, let's put it that way.

    If you ever were to meet me, you would find me someone who tries to make everyone feel comfortable. They seem to revel in negativity and nastiness and they seem to enjoy remaining ignorant.

    One example: I am out with them one day, Larry, his mother and one of his sisters. The sister kept referring to a certain racial group by a derogatory racial term. We were at a college graduation, so in a quiet corner I pointed out that people were not happy about that term, and to try using a certain other term. She didn't care how rude and insulting she was, she thought it was funny!!!

    It is not funny. It's NASTY.
    ~~X~~~~X~~
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    ****************************************

    ~~Resident Urban Cougar-Boo~~
    Joe Elliot, Charlie Hunnam, Wentworth Miller, Kip Winger,Travis Fimmel, Tim McGraw Jon Bon Jovi and Billy Wirth walk into a bar...
    did I forget anyone, girls?

    SIT DOWN, BUCKLE IN, HANG ON, SHUT UP
    I will find my inner child and kick his little ass
    Don't piss me off. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies
    |PLAY >|STOP| <<RWD|FFWD>>|RCD|II|STFU!!!|
    You are starting to make sense. Time to up my medications!
    Spay or neuter your animals if you truly love them

    We have enough youth--what we need is a fountain of SMART!
    AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE RESOURCE OF UNTAPPED ANGER, now in fashionable PINK
    DO NOT LEAVE ME UNSUPERVISED. If you do, DO NOT LEAVE WITNESSES
    Even BAD kitties get NINE LIVES
    MOMMMMMM...Retro's throwing wombats at me again...
    It's okay dear, they're COMBAT wombats!
    stand there, say nothing...thaaaatttt'ssss better
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  6. #6
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    Re: Trying to remain ladylike dealing with a bigot...

    It sounds like you're doing everything you can. His mom, especially since she's elderly and set in her ways and mind, is most likely not going to change her opinions or her mouth. You can see that she has responded when you've spoken up. But there's not much you can do to "fix" her. Your family loyalty is to Larry, and his is shared with you and his growing-up family. You're being supportive to him in that you can force yourself to be around his mom and sister for any length of time. That takes guts.

    I have a brother-in-law who has offended every single member of our family, yet we suck it up around him for my sister's sake. He's annoying, pretentious and self-righteous but he's here. We try to limit our contact with him, but I don't want to not see my sister whom I like because of him.
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  7. #7
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    Re: Trying to remain ladylike dealing with a bigot...

    I get sick of it. I really, really do. I realize all I can do is just be "me" but...I have gotten them to the point at which they at least mind their manners in public. It makes a miserable day when you are wondering if they are going to be snickering at a waiter or stage whispering about someone's skin color or whatever.

    I have gotten to the point at which if they start this stuff, I will say right out loud something like "I think that guy knows he's black, you can probably just drop it now." I can at least turn their embarassment on to them.

    I am not embarassed about much, I really have a great sense of humor, but this is just not funny. They don't care about my feelings in this at all. RUDE.
    ~~X~~~~X~~
    Nunc scio quid sit amor
    ****************************************

    ~~Resident Urban Cougar-Boo~~
    Joe Elliot, Charlie Hunnam, Wentworth Miller, Kip Winger,Travis Fimmel, Tim McGraw Jon Bon Jovi and Billy Wirth walk into a bar...
    did I forget anyone, girls?

    SIT DOWN, BUCKLE IN, HANG ON, SHUT UP
    I will find my inner child and kick his little ass
    Don't piss me off. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies
    |PLAY >|STOP| <<RWD|FFWD>>|RCD|II|STFU!!!|
    You are starting to make sense. Time to up my medications!
    Spay or neuter your animals if you truly love them

    We have enough youth--what we need is a fountain of SMART!
    AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE RESOURCE OF UNTAPPED ANGER, now in fashionable PINK
    DO NOT LEAVE ME UNSUPERVISED. If you do, DO NOT LEAVE WITNESSES
    Even BAD kitties get NINE LIVES
    MOMMMMMM...Retro's throwing wombats at me again...
    It's okay dear, they're COMBAT wombats!
    stand there, say nothing...thaaaatttt'ssss better
    80sxchange bad girls club
    trying to catch the deluge in a paper cup
    I can count to potato! I has a SNEAKY...
    Raging bitchkitty
    scared of my own shadow but not afraid of you
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  8. #8
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    Re: Trying to remain ladylike dealing with a bigot...

    I say keep making them uncomfortable Dawn! Keep stating the obvious to them (ie. I think they know they are black) out loud in front of them. Embarrass the crap out of them that way. Maybe they'll rethink their comments at least while you are around.

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  9. #9
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    Re: Trying to remain ladylike dealing with a bigot...

    Quote Originally Posted by BrandyBlue View Post
    I don't have family, and I honestly don't understand family loyalty. I really don't.

    You DO have a family Dawn... Us!

    And I think you understand family loyalty better than you know. I refer you now to my earlier statement.

    Hang in there doll. After the Zombie Army gets here and we all get infected, everyone will be the same color anyway (green, I think) so the old lady won't be able to say squat!
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  10. #10
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    Re: Trying to remain ladylike dealing with a bigot...

    Quote Originally Posted by Tempest Frost View Post
    You DO have a family Dawn... Us!
    And I think you understand family loyalty better than you know. I refer you now to my earlier statement.
    Hang in there doll. After the Zombie Army gets here and we all get infected, everyone will be the same color anyway (green, I think) so the old lady won't be able to say squat!

    Thank you sweetie You are a sweet and naughty Donkey-Boy...is it a green I can wear with pink?

    I have said, though, and I mean it -- if something happens to Larry, or if we aren't together anymore, ADIOS, to those nasty, narrow minded, cold, self-centered, rude, crass, selfish bastids.

    I have developed relationships HERE, with people I haven't even met in person yet, with beings who treat me a MILLION times better than the people who should be the ones who really give a rat's ass. That's just fine with me, but in the meantime, it's still illegal to duct tape bigots to each other and set them off drifting on icebergs, isn't it?
    ~~X~~~~X~~
    Nunc scio quid sit amor
    ****************************************

    ~~Resident Urban Cougar-Boo~~
    Joe Elliot, Charlie Hunnam, Wentworth Miller, Kip Winger,Travis Fimmel, Tim McGraw Jon Bon Jovi and Billy Wirth walk into a bar...
    did I forget anyone, girls?

    SIT DOWN, BUCKLE IN, HANG ON, SHUT UP
    I will find my inner child and kick his little ass
    Don't piss me off. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies
    |PLAY >|STOP| <<RWD|FFWD>>|RCD|II|STFU!!!|
    You are starting to make sense. Time to up my medications!
    Spay or neuter your animals if you truly love them

    We have enough youth--what we need is a fountain of SMART!
    AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE RESOURCE OF UNTAPPED ANGER, now in fashionable PINK
    DO NOT LEAVE ME UNSUPERVISED. If you do, DO NOT LEAVE WITNESSES
    Even BAD kitties get NINE LIVES
    MOMMMMMM...Retro's throwing wombats at me again...
    It's okay dear, they're COMBAT wombats!
    stand there, say nothing...thaaaatttt'ssss better
    80sxchange bad girls club
    trying to catch the deluge in a paper cup
    I can count to potato! I has a SNEAKY...
    Raging bitchkitty
    scared of my own shadow but not afraid of you
    ab astra

  11. #11
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    Re: Trying to remain ladylike dealing with a bigot...

    I know what you're going through Dawn. I grew up with bigots on my Dad's side of the family and my Mother-in-law is a bigot too. Thank God we don't see her very often. She knows that Ken and I don't talk that way, but it doesn't phase her 1 bit. The thing that gets me about people like that, is that they're prowd of being that way.
    I would continue to do exactly what you're doing. That's the best way to deal with it.
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  12. #12
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    I think your doing the right thing Dawn trying to say calm and be lady like!!

    Its hard though when conditions like this present themselves.. (Its even harder to do what your trying to do)

    Good luck sweetie!

  13. #13
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    Re: Trying to remain ladylike dealing with a bigot...

    My brother is a bigot. He doesn't like anyone who isn't white, straight and Catholic. I've gotten into arguments with him over it. He tells me that's how we were raised and to respect our upbringing. As for myself I embrace diversity. My parents did not raise us to be bigots. In fact they've told him to lighten up several times. Make a long story short my brother and I haven't spoke in over a year.

  14. #14
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    Your brother seems to have alot of anger and he chooses to take it out on those he feels are not like him which is sad...

    I love everyone in the world,i dont laugh or do anything.....

  15. #15
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    Re: Trying to remain ladylike dealing with a bigot...

    I don't think it's anger. He hangs on to the traditional Catholic thing for dear life. He just can't handle a world were people are different and don't hide the fact that they are.

  16. #16
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    Re: Trying to remain ladylike dealing with a bigot...

    Quote Originally Posted by RetroFanGirl View Post
    ... He hangs on to the traditional Catholic thing for dear life ...
    Sadly though, he isn't understanding what a TRUE traditional Catholic is ... "catholic" is actually taught as being universal, broad, all-embracing, varied, concerning ALL mankind w/ love and understanding, and SO much more. He's been taught wrong & he's clinging to that as an excuse to NOT accept what HE HIMSELF believes is unacceptably different. It isn't what TRUE Catholicism or faith teaches. Sad he's so far off the mark

    Sadly, I was raised much the same, but not to the extreme as others. I knew in my heart it wasn't right & searched to find the real truth beneath what others were feeding me disguised as the truth. What I found was a deeper faith and the strength to stand up against the hate to those I love. Sure it caused friction, but in time they learned to either keep their mouths shut or do w/out me in their lives. I can't say they didn't hold their hate in their hearts, but they certainly learned to NOT voice it in my presence.

    Stay strong!

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  17. #17
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    Re: Trying to remain ladylike dealing with a bigot...

    Yes, he uses religion as an excuse to be prejudice. I can't talk to him because we have totally different mindsets. Sometimes you just have to let them learn for themselves I guess. I hope he and others like him will come around. It makes him so grouchy and bitter.

  18. #18
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    Re: Trying to remain ladylike dealing with a bigot...

    I feel you. When I have to deal with this problem at family holidays I just sort of turn off my brain, or I turn and talk to someone nearby. Its really unnerving to hear things like this, but it will also cause a wrench in your spouses relationship if you constantly take the problem onto yourself. I know, it's tough and most of the time seems impossible.

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